In my early childhood I was raised in the country. When I was very small my parent’s had horses and bred dogs. My sister would catch tadpoles and keep them in a bucket to watch them grow and I would capture any snake I could; my mother had a video of me at probably four years old shoving a snakes head in my mouth because I was convinced when he stuck his tongue out it was a kiss.
My younger brother and I were only two years apart, and I have been told that once we were outside the clothes came off and you couldn’t keep them on us. We loved being nakey and free.
Climbing trees, sitting in the rafters of the horse barn, trying to find bird eggs because I watched “Fly Away Home ” one to many times.
I remember the trips to our closest city were like a carnival ride. Going down the main street of our city was colorful and busy and booming with life. There were a lot of brick buildings and flashing lights. Even though it wasn’t a large city, it felt huge to little me. It was a novelty to me.
As I aged we moved around a lot but always stayed in the country. Until I was about twelve years old and we moved into a tourist town. It was a fishing town and I’m not entirely sure the septic systems were dealt with properly and so the bay smelled like shit fairly often.
Being in a denser population was a lot of fun at that age. I was outside majority of the time and although it was new and exciting that was partially because it was something so material and of this world that my child-self was drawn to experience it. My novel and strange perception of the city eventually faded.
I think that growing up in the country during the formative years of my life had helped me develop a very connected sense of what was real and important, that being the natural world. Anything outside of that seemed foreign, optional, and made-up.
I don’t believe at that age I was fully aware that the way I felt about the world implied those things. I think the joy and excitement of being part of a man made world (and the novelty that came with it) was just a little girl wanting to play with the rest of the children in the sandbox. You pretend to be the chef this time, “mud pie for table 2.”
As an adult and reflecting on my life , my feelings, and comparing it to how I feel now I would say that viewing our urban culture this way has a large part to do with my rebellious side. I just don’t feel the need to fit into the imaginary man made world that we all choose to play a part it. It’s boring, it’s over done, its dramatic, it’s exhausting. There are better ways to find meaning in life that actually motivate you and don’t leave you drained of time, energy, and enthusiasm for life.
Ontop of the general social constructs and rat race we all choose to participate in, I also don’t feel the need to fit into anyone else’s expectations or idea of how the world or the people in it are supposed to be. If you dislike something I do because it’s not how you think a woman is supposed to behave that’s your problem and not mine, I suggest opening your mind or fucking off. You don’t have to be part of my life if you dislike the way that I live it. Plain and simple.
I imagine that the reason that some people who grow to have such a “bad moral compase,” have experienced life in this way whether conciously or not. They see that life is a game, the rules weren’t agreed upon, and therefore we can play how we see fit. Each person’s idea of whats right may be different and even if they do see the “matrix” (so to speak), they may be to afraid of loved one’s judgements or the consequences of playing against the rules put in place for us.
I was always worried about my loved one’s judgements but then I came to the realization that if they turn their noses up at the way I decide to live then maybe they just weren’t meant to be present for this part of my life. I try to live my truth despite that and it gets easier with practice.
As far as society goes, I follow the rules for the most part. I bend them here and there and may interpret them differently then others but generally my rule of thumb is live and let live. I’m not responsible for you or how you feel, but I’m not going to do anything to hurt you either. I will try to help when I can, if I can. But I have little respect for those who have little respect for how they effect my life. My father always preached “kill by the sword die by the sword” growing up and maybe he didnt intend it in this way but that’s how it’s been interpreted. It can be a hard lesson to learn and sometimes it can really come back to bite you in the ass but ya just take that as a learning experience.
Overall, if this is the reason why my father thought it was important for children to grow up in the country, I understand now that I’ve had the time to process through the events in my life. I wish my kids were raised more outside of the commonalities of the regime but I think that they have had enough experiences to see through the smoke and take control of their lives in this manner when the time comes.
I just wish that I had of started sooner. Ah well, that’s life.