Our inner workings.

I am a truth seeker. I value authenticity and if I don’t feel like it’s being presented then I watch and wait patiently analyzing and trying to find the root. I can see a lot more then what is show-cased and I think that when I do not see but still feel there’s an underlying truth then I begin to think that people are putting on a mask, and hidden intentions make me uneasy and lend me a feeling of physical sickness. It’s offputting.

Because of this I have a difficult time in my close personal relationships because I dislike emotional boundaries and when I want to be close to someone, I want to know them like I know my own mind. I want to know what happened to them and why they are so confident, or troubled, or why they anger or sadden over certain things. I want to know so I can care for that part of their soul. And if I can’t have that intimacy then I feel unfulfilled.

I don’t give up that easily though, I stick around and keep picking apart every action, word, tone, and expression. Maybe I over do it. The thing is that I also think that I see issues that the person isn’t even conciously aware of and that is why it may feel to me that they are holding back.

I need to learn also that it isn’t my job to care for and almost parent other’s in this way. The heart ache I could have saved myself if I didn’t see these parts of people and want to cradle them through it and help them understand.

Though I can’t say my approach was always this gentle. Before I was much more upfront and demanding about exposing some wounds. As I have gathered this anecdata I have become softer as other’s aren’t as mentally prepared to face some of the demons I see. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of stepping back and observing them go through the motions naturally. Progress can be slow though but having someone’s hand to hold, someone who won’t vanish when the ugly parts surface, can help you become more open to the parts that you otherwise may want to bury. A sense of security.

Working with these shadow parts of yourself are essential to self growth. An avuncular approach with other’s is vital. Just see the children behind the behaviour. It’s all a learned behaviour, whether picked up through mimicry or self taught as a preservation technique. Pretending they don’t exist and treating them as if they are bad doesn’t help shit. Facing them, accepting them as a part of yourself, seeing their role in your life, is the only way we can begin to adjust and develop new methods.

I am a work in progress too and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I am pretty pleased with myself as a human being which I think is important aswell. I mean, we gotta live with ourselves even if other’s don’t have too, so we should give that same gentleness to ourselves as we would others. Parent ya-self with compassion.

The condition of love.

Some songs still hit a soft spot in my chest and make my eyes well up with tears. It’s a bittersweet feeling because it reminds me of some people in particular and the fact they are no longer in my life really pains me sometimes. On the other hand I don’t want them in my life the way they once were. I’m past that phase of my life now and I think (hope and pray for their sake) that they are too.

I can be happy for the experiences and memories I share with that person, I feel a fondness and nostalgia around it. I wish sometimes that we could have those moments back but we can’t even if we tried because we have grown from them and apart from one another.

This is the condition of love. Once it’s there nestled away in your heart, it never leaves… it just becomes over grown with brush but if you wipe the leaves and sludge away, it’s still there tucked away, as tender as it ever was.

Its permanent, and you can’t get rid of it once you have it. Luckily it doesn’t have to be terminal, it can be benign and we can learn to live with it. It’s beautiful and it can be damaging if we don’t tame ourselves.

This same emotion lives in others too, imagine how cruel it would be to expect your significant other to rip that part of themselves from their chest because your jealous or insecure. It’s impossible and it’s unfair to punish someone for having loved before you.

That’s the thing with love, theres always room for more and we can still respect our significant other’s history like we would hope our’s would be respected. I hate the idea of someone I love hurting the way I do over the people we miss. I hope that I don’t make that any more painful for him then it already is.