I struggled for a while to cope with life just not developing the way I had expected it to. I was raised to be a certain way and to have what I consider to be a good heart but when the world didn’t return that same care then I became a bit bitter.
In this bitterness I sank deeply and ended up extremely depressed. Existensially depressed. Nihilistic. Everything I had cherished and worked so hard for suddenly became meaningless, fleeting, and empty. It consumed me for quite a while.
I am happy that I’m not in that place anymore and although my views haven’t drastically changed, I have found a new freedom in that point of view that has made me happier then I have ever been in my life.
Afterwards I became very aware of how fragile the way we perceive the world is and that we have these imaginary guidelines that dictate our behaviour and what is and isn’t acceptable. I began to live life on my terms and rejecting a lot of societal norms.
Sometimes it can be a very difficult thing to do, some people I love have disassociated from me completely because I live so freely. But I can’t go back to being so scared of being out-cast that I compromise who I am.
Below is my version of a poem that reflects the way that I had felt at the time. It doesn’t really hit on everything but it definitely highlights the break through process and how uncomfortable it can feel.
I let the world go
I watched it fall to the floor
It shattered into pieces
And I dont recognize it anymore.
I tried my best to clean it,
The pieces left me bleeding,
Scars on my hands and knees,
Evidence it existed.
The sound of the crash, the broken glass,
Echoes inside me.
Some days muted by lifes noise
Other days so loud, its maddening.
I wish it would stop, leave me in peace.
Let me be happy without pain to ease.