Outside the Sandbox

In my early childhood I was raised in the country. When I was very small my parent’s had horses and bred dogs. My sister would catch tadpoles and keep them in a bucket to watch them grow and I would capture any snake I could; my mother had a video of me at probably four years old shoving a snakes head in my mouth because I was convinced when he stuck his tongue out it was a kiss.

My younger brother and I were only two years apart, and I have been told that once we were outside the clothes came off and you couldn’t keep them on us. We loved being nakey and free.

Climbing trees, sitting in the rafters of the horse barn, trying to find bird eggs because I watched “Fly Away Home ” one to many times.

I remember the trips to our closest city were like a carnival ride. Going down the main street of our city was colorful and busy and booming with life. There were a lot of brick buildings and flashing lights. Even though it wasn’t a large city, it felt huge to little me. It was a novelty to me.

As I aged we moved around a lot but always stayed in the country. Until I was about twelve years old and we moved into a tourist town. It was a fishing town and I’m not entirely sure the septic systems were dealt with properly and so the bay smelled like shit fairly often.

Being in a denser population was a lot of fun at that age. I was outside majority of the time and although it was new and exciting that was partially because it was something so material and of this world that my child-self was drawn to experience it. My novel and strange perception of the city eventually faded.

I think that growing up in the country during the formative years of my life had helped me develop a very connected sense of what was real and important, that being the natural world. Anything outside of that seemed foreign, optional, and made-up.

I don’t believe at that age I was fully aware that the way I felt about the world implied those things. I think the joy and excitement of being part of a man made world (and the novelty that came with it) was just a little girl wanting to play with the rest of the children in the sandbox. You pretend to be the chef this time, “mud pie for table 2.”

As an adult and reflecting on my life , my feelings, and comparing it to how I feel now I would say that viewing our urban culture this way has a large part to do with my rebellious side. I just don’t feel the need to fit into the imaginary man made world that we all choose to play a part it. It’s boring, it’s over done, its dramatic, it’s exhausting. There are better ways to find meaning in life that actually motivate you and don’t leave you drained of time, energy, and enthusiasm for life.

Ontop of the general social constructs and rat race we all choose to participate in, I also don’t feel the need to fit into anyone else’s expectations or idea of how the world or the people in it are supposed to be. If you dislike something I do because it’s not how you think a woman is supposed to behave that’s your problem and not mine, I suggest opening your mind or fucking off. You don’t have to be part of my life if you dislike the way that I live it. Plain and simple.

I imagine that the reason that some people who grow to have such a “bad moral compase,” have experienced life in this way whether conciously or not. They see that life is a game, the rules weren’t agreed upon, and therefore we can play how we see fit. Each person’s idea of whats right may be different and even if they do see the “matrix” (so to speak), they may be to afraid of loved one’s judgements or the consequences of playing against the rules put in place for us.

I was always worried about my loved one’s judgements but then I came to the realization that if they turn their noses up at the way I decide to live then maybe they just weren’t meant to be present for this part of my life. I try to live my truth despite that and it gets easier with practice.

As far as society goes, I follow the rules for the most part. I bend them here and there and may interpret them differently then others but generally my rule of thumb is live and let live. I’m not responsible for you or how you feel, but I’m not going to do anything to hurt you either. I will try to help when I can, if I can. But I have little respect for those who have little respect for how they effect my life. My father always preached “kill by the sword die by the sword” growing up and maybe he didnt intend it in this way but that’s how it’s been interpreted. It can be a hard lesson to learn and sometimes it can really come back to bite you in the ass but ya just take that as a learning experience.

Overall, if this is the reason why my father thought it was important for children to grow up in the country, I understand now that I’ve had the time to process through the events in my life. I wish my kids were raised more outside of the commonalities of the regime but I think that they have had enough experiences to see through the smoke and take control of their lives in this manner when the time comes.

I just wish that I had of started sooner. Ah well, that’s life.

Fucking fed up

I just started to read a post about not taking things like handshakes with stranger for granted, I swear I stopped there because the first sentence was so oblivious. I am assuming it was surrounding this covid-19 bullshit which has been blown out of proportion because a bunch of boomers are worried about dying and they control majority of our businesses, media, and governments, and because they are scared they have now mass produced that fear to manipulate the rest of us. Hey how about the boomers self quarantine and the rest of the world can put a younger generation in charge until this bullshit blows over.

Honestly, if we are going to start appreciating shit then how about we start appreciating mother nature and the world without the social constructs that feabaly hold us up and crumble in the wake of such a silly pandemic. Everything we have know and were taught to function in this imaginary world of rules has proven to be utterly useless.

Why isnt anyone taking notice of that? Or are they and they are just so god damn brainwashed that they’d prefer to live in denial? What good is money doing us when its value is virtual which is basically non-existent? The value of a bill used to be determined by the amount of gold it represented, what are we getting for our bills now? A shit ton of toilet paper??? Or how about that job you’ve been trained for for years in school, took out a loan, struggled for, put up with your seniors shit for years and now what? Your not even considered essential and people who work as cashier without any institutional education are the backs on which we depend. As your struggle through this economic crisis because you have no work. Fuck. Your a real important part of this imaginary world we have constructed, aren’t you? A lot that fifteen thousand or more education and debt gave you.

How about instead of appreciating or acknowledging a handshake that instead we notice and appreciate the fact that our government and way of living is unrealistic, heavily manipulated, and making slaves and pawns of all of us.

How about instead of taking this as some sort of insane life lesson on contact that we look at how our economic system is crashing and that our government is failing us, that the way we live is failing us!!!??? And instead go back to basic and our roots. How about if we do decide to look at the topic of contact that instead we see how we are divided as a people and unable to focus as a group and make real change.

Us millenials know! We have been fucked out of everything our parents were promised! Well paying jobs and owning our own homes. And why? Because mortgages keep going up and our pay can’t keep up. So then we are stuck relying of landlord’s for our tenancy and who know what kind of an asshole you may have to deal with. Life is left completely out of our hands and we are so pacified with cellphones, internet, video games, social media, etc, that we dont even take the time to think about how unjust our system is and instead just give our lives away. No control over what is happening in the world. Even before this covid-19 bullshit majority of us were working forty plus hours a week to not even make enough to live let alone get ahead. Its disgusting.

A revolution is what is needed and people who arent afraid of change and living out loud and fighting this bullshit. But we are all a bunch of fucking pansies. Let’s let the government and older generations keep running our economy and world into the ground.

This post may not be perfect because I’m not editing it and I dont have the time nor patience to explain every detail (read between the lines) but here it is. Appreciate that motherfuckers. Ha.

Grow some balls.

An idea of what schools could be

I have been attempting to homeschool my son because schools have been closed indefinitely. My son is a bright kid but he’s so unfocused sometimes which has presented an issue in his schooling, He has fallen behind in math. Now that he’s home though, “The Mama” can take control!

I like homeschooling because I have more control over what he’s reading, how it could be interpreted, and I can adjust the way I teach to make sure he comprehends what he’s learning. On the other hand he dislikes doing homework and my significant other likes to quote Rick and Morty with “schools not for smart people,” so my son can go outside and work around the yard with him, Which is beneficial too.

I think my son needs to catch up so that he isn’t left behind the other kids, struggling, or getting in trouble at school. Can you really blame him for goofing off when he doesn’t understand something and no one is taking the time to explain it to him? The teachers can’t be blamed either, they have their hands full, have large classes and only so much time in the day to make sure that each child is educated at their grade level. Besides that my son lives with his father full time so I haven’t had the consistent control to help him. I know, excuses, excuses, excuses.

The system they have in place for kids, teachers, and schools is not up to performance. We expect students to fit into a certain box and when they don’t they are jammed in the box with no remorse or second thought for the loss of who they could have been or what their individuality could have brought the world.

The teachers are over extending themselves and aren’t able to keep up with the demands crushing them. I believe that these women and men are just as capable or more capable of teaching children as I am but they do not have the time or money to adjust curriculum for each child’s needs.

The schools themselves aren’t run wonderfully either, from the lunch programs to the way classes are divided up, the hours kids are forced to be away from home, the discipline systems the schools use leave the teachers pretty well powerless when kids act up, and parent’s being over sensitive to how their kids are treated doesn’t help either. Obviously we dont want our kids being mistreated but there needs to be more understanding surrounding the difficulties teachers are facing and the fact that they themselves are only human. Plus, communication with the teachers is crucial for the child’s best interest and a lot of parents just aren’t that present in their child’s life. We need to smarten up aswell.

The world seems to be on the brink of a major change though, for better or worse, who knows. Both most likely. Hopefully the education system gets an overhaul and the teachers are treated fairly, more jobs open up to accomadate more adults per x amount of children and the kids have a curriculum that’s customized for them as individuals.

You know what would be perfect? If instead of having these schools with kids from a rather wide area (especially if you consider the amount of people condensed into a city), that instead the schools are made smaller, smaller classes, simpler (more whole foods) lunch menus, staff from the same communities, and instead of one adult per ten or twenty kids then maybe one adult per five kids. Or whatever ratio allows for the students to learn most effectively.

I also think there should be classes more intensely focused on agriculture and life skills. This should be something that is continuously taught and NOT JUST a year of home economics in middle school. Kids are taught how to live within the system not outside of it, and those outside the establishment skills are essentials.

Another great add on would be to teach children mindfulness and self reflection. Could you imagine if we put an effort into (instead of therapying people and prescribing them medications) teaching children at a young age how to analyze themselves psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually? That they may grow and fix elemental issues within themselves which would otherwise challenge them over their lifetime.

School lunch menus could be made more minimal and healthy but the children attending the school could also help in the preparation of the meals, Another important life skill! Then ontop of that free lunches, which only makes sense considering the fact that if we don’t put our kids in school and parent according to the governments standards then they may just decide to snatch them up. Not like they leave us much choice but to comply with them, therefore I think the kids should be provided for by them while in their care.

Kids are also exhausted by the end of the day, Five to eight hours a day is a long day for someone so little. I think we need to limit the amount of time they are in school. This maybe controversial among parents because some people work forty hours or more and depend on schools for childcare. But the world would need to adjust, a ripple effect outwardly through our government and communities to accomadate what is a more realistic lifestyle for all the diverse family formats. Mothers and fathers shouldn’t be working such lengthy hours because they aren’t financially able to provide otherwise unless they want to in which case they should be supplemented for childcare. That’s another subject though.

Maybe in a perfect world this could transpire. I guess this must be the idealist in me with my high hopes for civilization. It maybe possible though if we put a little effort and brain power into figuring out how to make it run effectively.

A quick rant on Covid-19

Socially distancing and quarantining ourselves due to covid-19 is frustrating. I understand the need for it but what I don’t appreciate are those “good samaritans” who feel the need to take it upon themselves to decide what stores should be open, who should be socially criticized for leaving their house, and what is acceptable to buy and what is not.

We need to be neighborly and look out for one another and be responsible for those around us to get us through difficult straining times such as this. I can agree with the posts about only buying what you need and leaving enough for others and the vulnerable. But some people are so panicked that they are attacking other’s over trivial matters. It’s unbelievably childish.

There are protocols in place and there are authorities that are helping keep things running smoothly while keeping us healthy. We don’t need wanna-be-do-gooders taking a difficult time and making it more strenuous.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and you better believe I’m hitting up the dairy queen drive through for an ice cream cake. Is it a necessity? No. But am I hurting anyone by purchasing it? With minimal contact , I think not. Go make a post about that Karen.

Our inner workings.

I am a truth seeker. I value authenticity and if I don’t feel like it’s being presented then I watch and wait patiently analyzing and trying to find the root. I can see a lot more then what is show-cased and I think that when I do not see but still feel there’s an underlying truth then I begin to think that people are putting on a mask, and hidden intentions make me uneasy and lend me a feeling of physical sickness. It’s offputting.

Because of this I have a difficult time in my close personal relationships because I dislike emotional boundaries and when I want to be close to someone, I want to know them like I know my own mind. I want to know what happened to them and why they are so confident, or troubled, or why they anger or sadden over certain things. I want to know so I can care for that part of their soul. And if I can’t have that intimacy then I feel unfulfilled.

I don’t give up that easily though, I stick around and keep picking apart every action, word, tone, and expression. Maybe I over do it. The thing is that I also think that I see issues that the person isn’t even conciously aware of and that is why it may feel to me that they are holding back.

I need to learn also that it isn’t my job to care for and almost parent other’s in this way. The heart ache I could have saved myself if I didn’t see these parts of people and want to cradle them through it and help them understand.

Though I can’t say my approach was always this gentle. Before I was much more upfront and demanding about exposing some wounds. As I have gathered this anecdata I have become softer as other’s aren’t as mentally prepared to face some of the demons I see. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of stepping back and observing them go through the motions naturally. Progress can be slow though but having someone’s hand to hold, someone who won’t vanish when the ugly parts surface, can help you become more open to the parts that you otherwise may want to bury. A sense of security.

Working with these shadow parts of yourself are essential to self growth. An avuncular approach with other’s is vital. Just see the children behind the behaviour. It’s all a learned behaviour, whether picked up through mimicry or self taught as a preservation technique. Pretending they don’t exist and treating them as if they are bad doesn’t help shit. Facing them, accepting them as a part of yourself, seeing their role in your life, is the only way we can begin to adjust and develop new methods.

I am a work in progress too and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I am pretty pleased with myself as a human being which I think is important aswell. I mean, we gotta live with ourselves even if other’s don’t have too, so we should give that same gentleness to ourselves as we would others. Parent ya-self with compassion.

Fear limits our freedom

I struggled for a while to cope with life just not developing the way I had expected it to. I was raised to be a certain way and to have what I consider to be a good heart but when the world didn’t return that same care then I became a bit bitter.

In this bitterness I sank deeply and ended up extremely depressed. Existensially depressed. Nihilistic. Everything I had cherished and worked so hard for suddenly became meaningless, fleeting, and empty. It consumed me for quite a while.

I am happy that I’m not in that place anymore and although my views haven’t drastically changed, I have found a new freedom in that point of view that has made me happier then I have ever been in my life.

Afterwards I became very aware of how fragile the way we perceive the world is and that we have these imaginary guidelines that dictate our behaviour and what is and isn’t acceptable. I began to live life on my terms and rejecting a lot of societal norms.

Sometimes it can be a very difficult thing to do, some people I love have disassociated from me completely because I live so freely. But I can’t go back to being so scared of being out-cast that I compromise who I am.

Below is my version of a poem that reflects the way that I had felt at the time. It doesn’t really hit on everything but it definitely highlights the break through process and how uncomfortable it can feel.

I let the world go

I watched it fall to the floor

It shattered into pieces

And I dont recognize it anymore.

I tried my best to clean it,

The pieces left me bleeding,

Scars on my hands and knees,

Evidence it existed.

The sound of the crash, the broken glass,

Echoes inside me.

Some days muted by lifes noise

Other days so loud, its maddening.

I wish it would stop, leave me in peace.

Let me be happy without pain to ease.

The condition of love.

Some songs still hit a soft spot in my chest and make my eyes well up with tears. It’s a bittersweet feeling because it reminds me of some people in particular and the fact they are no longer in my life really pains me sometimes. On the other hand I don’t want them in my life the way they once were. I’m past that phase of my life now and I think (hope and pray for their sake) that they are too.

I can be happy for the experiences and memories I share with that person, I feel a fondness and nostalgia around it. I wish sometimes that we could have those moments back but we can’t even if we tried because we have grown from them and apart from one another.

This is the condition of love. Once it’s there nestled away in your heart, it never leaves… it just becomes over grown with brush but if you wipe the leaves and sludge away, it’s still there tucked away, as tender as it ever was.

Its permanent, and you can’t get rid of it once you have it. Luckily it doesn’t have to be terminal, it can be benign and we can learn to live with it. It’s beautiful and it can be damaging if we don’t tame ourselves.

This same emotion lives in others too, imagine how cruel it would be to expect your significant other to rip that part of themselves from their chest because your jealous or insecure. It’s impossible and it’s unfair to punish someone for having loved before you.

That’s the thing with love, theres always room for more and we can still respect our significant other’s history like we would hope our’s would be respected. I hate the idea of someone I love hurting the way I do over the people we miss. I hope that I don’t make that any more painful for him then it already is.